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Today’s List: Ten Least Favorite College Football Teams

September 6th, 2008 · 6 Comments · College football, Lists

I haven’t done a list in ages. Just got out of the habit.

I’ve always worked under the assumption that everyone is like me … and sees the world in a sort of hierarchical sense. Best to worst, favorite to least favorite … and, wait, maybe that’s not a reasonable assumption.

Anyway, I tend to do that. Countries I would most/least like to see win an Olympic gold. Ballclubs I would hate to see in the World Series.

And college football teams I like most/least.

The rankings are dynamic, of course. Depends on who actually is playing, who has been winning a lot or losing a lot, the coach or star player. And geography is a factor.

Anyway, my 10 least favorite college football teams:

10. Notre Dame. A couple of decades ago, these guys would have been far closer to the top of this list (they still rank No. 3 in espn.com’s “most-hated” fan poll), but five years of Bob Davie and three more of Ty Willingham trying to win with actual student athletes has softened me. That, and losing a lot (45 times in 11 years). Now, I’m almost grateful that their annual appearance on the USC schedule seems like a big deal to outsiders because it’s pretty much an automatic victory for SoCal’s No. 1 program. I hate the leprechaun, I find the “we’re God’s team” thing and “Touchdown Jesus” more than a little presumptuous … but I like the fight song.

9. BYU. The “we’re God’s team,” Mormon style. A program infamous for complaining about not being taken seriously, going back to when it played in a weak WAC. Then there’s the “they apparently haven’t heard they can recruit African-Americans” thing. Also, I’ve never forgotten when someone who used to cover the old WAC told me that BYU was universally regarded as the dirtiest team in the conference. Talking on the field here, not off.

8. Kansas State. They were just lousy and vaguely pitiful, for a half-century or so, then Bill Snyder brought in his vaguely fascist, total-control regime and lowered standards everywhere, and they became a sort of Oklahoma North — except they didn’t play anyone. Snyder scheduled cupcakes long, long after the program was winning a lot. Just not an attractive crew, and no access to players by media. So, yeah, it was a little personal, too.

7. Virginia Tech. Again, that deadly combination of a thug atmosphere (Michael Vick’s team) twinned with an unambitious schedule. Don’t like that.

6. Illinois. Never won nothin’, usually not very good and probably dirty if they win as many as six games. Nothing here to like.

5. LSU. Forty years ago, I liked these guys. They had a safety named Paul Casanova who arguably should have won the Heisman. But since then … Another big-name program that doesn’t play anybody in nonconference games, another big-name program with more than a hint of sleaze. And another one of those life-or-death programs that takes itself far too seriously.

4. Nebraska. Speaking of football meaning far too much … the Huskers probably are at the top of the list. Nobody should care as much as Nebraska fans do; it’s not healthy. Eternally over-ranked, and they did most of their damage when the old Big Eight was awful.

3.  Oklahoma. Thugville. Guys shooting up the Bud Wilkinson dorm. Barry Switzer cheating. I associate college football’s worst excesses with these guys. And their fight song, “Boomer Sooner,” is the most annoying in the country. (Far worse than “Fight On!”) It has no lyrics beyond “Boomer Sooner, boomer Sooner, boomer Sooner …” (Though I do like the Boomer Schooner.) And, lately, a program likely to benefit from being in a conference that turned crummy way before anyone realized it.

2.  Penn State. Originally, like, 30 years ago, they were the East Coast version of, say, Hawaii, a team that played a lot of nobodies and whined when it didn’t get ranked No. 1. Then Joe Paterno turned into the Official Crabby Old Man of the sport. And the death grip he keeps on his job has gone way beyond the limits of good grace. They have a silly feline nickname (Nittany Lions) yet play in Beaver Stadium? Their uniforms are boring, as are most of their teams, and if they go 4-8 the next 10 years I’m fine with that.

1. Miami. The Hurricanes haven’t been so fearful, of late, but I’m still happy every time they lose. To me, the Miami program embodies the whole “bottom feeder” ethos of college football. Any goon can get in, and is likely to behave badly, and the ‘Canes seem to lead the nation in not even pretending to care about their image. Plus, East Coast arrogant and Florida haughty. They’ve got it all goin’ on.

The others: Florida State could make the list at any given time, but I like Bobby Bowden and FSU seems like the third banana in Florida at the moment; Louisville, but that might have been mostly about Bobby Petrino; Florida, but Tim Tebow is chilling me out, currently; Missouri, because they seem just generally lame for no good reason, until lately; Washington, under Don James; Cal, occasionally, sort of the cheesy older brother of UCLA; Iowa, a Michigan/Ohio State wannabe without the class or history; Maryland, and I don’t even have a good reason; Arizona State, because they aspire to greatness but never seem to win a big game, which makes them contemptible.

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6 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Dennis Pope // Sep 6, 2008 at 3:08 PM

    Though I agree w/ most of your list (Where’s Texas and Texas A&M? They’re both quite detestable.) I’ll defend Cal here.

    If they’re UCLA’s cheesy brother, at least they’re the OLDER brother and got the better moniker (Bears vs. Baby Bears) and color scheme (Navy/Yellow vs. Baby Blue/Chartuese).

    So aside from not being an L.A. team, and occassionally threating PAC-10 supremacy, what else you got?

  • 2 Brian Robin // Sep 6, 2008 at 9:40 PM

    Notre Dame No. 10?

    No Nigel Clay references in your Oklahoma description?

    No other SEC teams besides LSU? Where’s Alabama, Tennessee or any of a half-dozen teams who breed fans who think life is something you experience between football games?

    And speaking of fascist coaches, the absence of Michigan — which, if it didn’t invent the all-encompassing Stalinist coach, sure perfected it?

    You’re getting soft in your old age, Paul.

    BTW, I’m with Dennis. What is Cal doing anywhere on this list and where are the Texas schools?

  • 3 Redneck Y Fan // Sep 8, 2008 at 7:09 PM

    Where is the habitual 3rd place MWC team, you know who we are talkin about? The Utah Utes? They should make the list for the most ignorant and least deserving NCAA team there is?

  • 4 Char Ham // Sep 9, 2008 at 7:31 PM

    To Dennis —

    I made the mistake when talking to a friend that he was a UT (Texas) alumni. Big mistake! He quickly made a BIG deal that he graduated from Texas A&M. But then, again, it wouldn’t be a good idea to assume someone you knew was a USC alumni when she/he actually graduated from UCLA & vice versa.

  • 5 Guy McCarthy // Sep 12, 2008 at 11:44 PM

    Interesting list. Themes emerge.

    It begs the question:

    Who do you like and why?

  • 6 George Alfano // Sep 13, 2008 at 9:25 PM

    Paul: The guy from LSU was Tommy Casanova.

    It’s not as much fun hating Notre Dame when they aren’t successful, but for crying out loud, they have to rank higher than 10 if for no other reason that they have their own network contract. And Alabama with Nick Saban as coach certainly belongs on the list.

    It is also not true that Penn State played nobodies in the 60s and 70s. Penn State was an independent and SEC Big 10, and Big 12 schools weren’t going to go on the road for a home-and-home against Penn State, The comparison to Hawaii is completely off base – look at some of the teams Penn State defeated in bowl games.

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